Legolas in the City
by TheAnonymousAgent506
Summary: A re-release and slight re-working of my 2003 original. Legoals finds himself in modern-day St. Louis. Can his new guide Milo guide him safely through the world today? But more importantly, can he teach him to WORK A ZIPPER! WARNING: HAS NO REAL PLOT!
1. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Legolas was sitting idly in a tree, trying to get a song out of his head. His mind kept repeating the one line over and over; "Girls just wanna have fu-un," and it was really beginning to bother him. After all, Elves do suffer the greatest pain. Suddenly, a piece of paper flew into his face. Legolas spluttered in surprise and nearly fell out of the tree. Pulling the paper off his face, he read it;  
  
"Do you want to get away from it all?" it read.  
  
"Yes!" Legolas shouted  
  
"Do you want to have a good time and meet new people?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Do you want to discover the delights of modern living?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"And most importantly, do you want to get annoying songs that are stuck in your head out of your head?"  
  
"Yes, yes, yes!"  
  
"We can tell you how. Just make one ridiculously long journey to a nearly unreachable destination."  
  
"Why would I want to do that?" He surveyed the paper further. At the bottom, in very, very small print that only Elves can read, it said, "Or you could just fall out of a tree while singing 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun'."  
  
"That works!" Legolas then proceeded to sing what he knew of the song and loose his balance on purpose. After forgetting what he knew of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" and maintaining his center of balance several times, he finally managed to remember the, "Girls just wanna have fun," bit and knock himself out of the tree. Turning in the air, he saw the ground hesitate and then decide that he would be a nice person to get to know and rush up to meet him. But just before the two were about to cross paths, Legolas was gone in a flash, leaving the ground all alone and rather disappointed. 


	2. New Devilry

Legolas materialized in a forest. Wow, big change there. He wandered around a bit, and after a few minutes, he got very bored. And after a few more minutes, he started to get irritable. And after even more minutes, he started to get what I like to call really freaking p.o-ed. Trees, trees everywhere. He was about to climb up another tree and sing the song and fall out of it when he noticed that he was standing on a hard, black, smooth sort of road. He stomped on it. Still solid. He kicked it. He winced and said a few religious words.  
  
Legolas stared up the road and saw that it sloped upward and curved. Against better judgement, he decided to traverse it. As he came to the crest of the hill, he gave a cry as a gigantic, gray stone building came into view. It was surrounded by strange vehicles with rubber wheels on them. There were white ones, black ones, tan ones, red ones (this reminds me of the Armor hot dog song), and several other colors. He went up to a particularly sleek one and touched its surface with his hand. It suddenly went of with a loud "beep beep". "Spawn of Sauron!" he shouted. "What is this new devilry!"  
  
"Um, excuse me?" said a voice behind him. "I believe that's my car you're touching."  
  
Legolas wheeled around to face a strangely clad man with wiry spectacles and black box in his hand. The man simply looked at him without much surprise. "Pardon me, sir, but may I please get to my car?"  
  
Legolas slid, startled, out of the man's way. The man stuck a small, jagged key into the door of the "new devilry" and pulled the handle. Legolas was frightened as it opened. The man put down the box and turned to Legolas, extending what he assumed to be the hand of friendship. Legolas warily extended his as well, and the man gave it a sharp, quick shake. "Professor Milo Stumpf, professor of music at Saint Louis University. Renown Tolkien scholar as well. And who might you be?"  
  
Legolas stared, rather taken aback. "Uh..."  
  
"Uh? That's a strange name."  
  
"Uh, no. That-that is not my name. My name is-my name is Legolas."  
  
Milo's eyes widened skeptically and his forehead creased in a frown. "Legolas? Well, I must say, you do portray him well, but we can't go around actually believing that we are him, can we? It's unhealthy, obsessive behavior."  
  
Legolas became slightly defensive at this. "Now wait just a minute. I am Legolas. You know, Prince of Mirkwood, son of Thranduil? Representative of the Elves in the Fellowship?"  
  
Milo gave him a thoughtful look. "Hmmm," he pondered. "If you are the real Legolas, who played Legolas in the movie?"  
  
"What?" Legolas said with an authentically blank look.  
  
"Who played you in the screen adaptation of The Lord of the Rings?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Milo gave him a scrutinizing look. "Well, you don't seem to know, so I may just have to take your word for it." Milo went around to the other side of his car and opened the door. "Come on," he said, going back around and gesturing for Legolas to get in. "You're coming with me."  
  
Legolas just stood there.  
  
"Well, come on, get in."  
  
Legolas just stood there.  
  
"I said get in."  
  
Legolas just stood there.  
  
"Would you get in?"  
  
Legolas just stood there.  
  
"Now, please?" said Milo threateningly.  
  
Legolas quickly got in. He really hoped this guy wasn't a rapist. 


	3. I'm Too Sexy

Legolas stared, captivated, out the window of the car. Dozens of other cars were zooming past, and up ahead, large buildings loomed high as the Citadel of Gondor. A strange box in the dashboard was playing strange music, and it puzzled Legolas.  
  
"What's that?"  
  
Milo stopped thumping his hands on the steering wheel for a moment. "That?" he said, pointing at the radio. "That's a radio. It's a sort of box that receives music and plays it."  
  
"Oh. What's this song called?"  
  
"I'm Too Sexy."  
  
"Sexy?"  
  
"Appealing."  
  
"Oh." Legolas listened for a bit, and soon started singing the parts that went, "And I do my little turn on the catwalk, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah. I shake my little tushy on the catwalk."  
  
"Stop that, please."  
  
"Stop what?"  
  
"Singing."  
  
"Alright." Legolas began to sing the part of the song that went, "And I do my little turn on the catwalk, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah. I shake my little tushy on the catwalk," despite the fact that there wasn't much of a tune to sing.  
  
"Stop it."  
  
"Stop what?"  
  
"Humming."  
  
"Oh. Sorry. Can I go 'la la la'?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Alright." Legolas stared interestedly out the window. "What's that?" he said, pointing out the window at some graffiti."  
  
"Graffiti."  
  
"What does it mean?"  
  
"Believe me, you really don't want to know."  
  
Legolas shrugged and continued to peer out the window. A question popped into Milo's head, and he turned to Legolas. "How'd you get here?"  
  
"I fell out of a tree while singing 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun'?"  
  
"How do you know that song?"  
  
"Frodo taught it to me. He seemed to like it very much."  
  
"Indeed."  
  
"Quite."  
  
Milo continued to beat his hands on the steering wheel in time with the music. Another thought occurred to him. "We'll have to get you modern clothes. How does Old Navy sound?"  
  
"Old."  
  
"Well, we're going anyway."  
  
"If you say so."  
  
"I do."  
  
Because of the author's lack of knowledge of exact locations of stores in downtown St. Louis, or even of their existence, Legolas and Milo headed for an Old Navy store a mile or so off the Jefferson Barracks bridge.  
  
Legolas stepped fearfully out onto the asphalt. After all, it could be different here. It was a Saturday, and there were a fair amount of cars on the parking lot. People gawked at Legolas as he walked towards the store, his quiver, bow, and knives still strapped to his back.  
  
Legolas stopped dead in the store. "What is this new devilry!" he demanded.  
  
"How many times are you going to say that?"  
  
"As many times as I see new devilry."  
  
"Fair enough. Come on. We're going shopping."  
  
From a rack in the women's section, Caiti looked up at who had just entered, jabbing her bestest best friend Audra in the arm excitedly. "Audra, Audra! Look!" she hissed. "It's Orlando Bloom! I swear to God!  
  
Audra looked up at Legolas. "Poser."  
  
Milo dragged Legolas reluctantly through the isles of the men's section, where guys stared at him and their girlfriends drooled over him and thought things that aren't appropriate for PG-rated stories.  
  
Milo selected a black turtleneck hurriedly and thrust in into Legolas's chest. He pulled down a pair of khakis and thrust those into his arms as well. He pulled down a dark green hoodie and threw that at him, along with several other garments, including a pair of boxers with cute doggies on them.  
  
Pushing Legolas into the cavernous dressing room and grabbing a number from the person behind the desk, Milo found Legolas an empty dressing stall. Legolas stumbled in, slightly confused.  
  
"First of all, why are you in such a hurry, and second of all, what am I supposed to do in here?"  
  
"A) I just realized how weird you look, and B) you're supposed to try on clothes."  
  
"Oh." There was a great scuffling as Legolas pulled off his bow, quiver, and knives. "Hold these," he said to Milo, holding the weapons over the top of the door. When Legolas had successfully removed all his garments (yay!), he dangled the boxers over the top of the door and said, "What are these for?"  
  
Milo sighed heavily. He was sure he was getting very strange looks from everyone by now. God only knew what they were thinking. "You wear those."  
  
"Where?"  
  
"On..."  
  
"On where?"  
  
"You wear them like pants."  
  
"Oh. They don't look like pants. They're very short."  
  
"Yes, I know, but you wear them like pants anyway."  
  
"Oh. Alright." Legolas slipped into the cute doggie boxers (ow ow!). "Are these pants as well?" Legolas threw the khakis over the door for Milo to see.  
  
"Yes..." he groaned, rubbing his temples. He didn't realize how hard it was to explain modern things to not-modern things.  
  
Legolas cracked the door open. "What's this?" he asked, pointing at the zipper on the pants.  
  
"It's a zipper, for Christ's sake!" Milo shouted. Legolas looked confused. "Sorry," he apologized. "I'm having a bad day."  
  
Legolas still looked hurt. "Is it because of me?"  
  
Milo sighed heavily again. Well, he could already here the rumors flying back at campus. "No, no, it's not you. It's me. Just...just go back to what you were doing."  
  
Legolas shrugged and closed the door. He came back a second later. "What do you do with a zipper?"  
  
"You pull it."  
  
"Oh." Legolas thought on this, and decided he didn't understand. "Pull what?"  
  
"The little piece of metal."  
  
"Oh." Legolas went back and started his five minute battle with the zipper, which, fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your standpoint), he won. For some reason, the song "I'm Too Sexy" was stuck in his head, and as he pulled the black, ribbed turtleneck over his chiseled, fine, toned, beautiful, sexy...uh...sorry...chest, the words, "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts," kept playing themselves over and over in his head. Eventually, while trying to work out the mysteries of the turtleneck, he started to hum this, and soon began to sing, softly at first, but it soon grew so loud that everyone could hear. "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts."  
  
"I wish you would get too sexy for that song. Then we wouldn't have to put up with it."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Stop singing."  
  
"Fine." Legolas had finally managed to pull the turtleneck over his head, and his golden hair fell gently about his shoulders and face, gleaming...I'm sorry. I did it again, didn't I? I'll try to stop. Anyway, he stepped out of the dressing stall so Milo could see. He spread his arms out. "Well?"  
  
"Your pants are pulled up too high." Milo yanked them down. "That's better."  
  
"If you say so."  
  
"Stay there. I'll get you a bag for your other clothes."  
  
When Legolas and Milo went to check out, Legolas wearing his new turtleneck and khakis (looking very fine, I might add) , Caiti gawked at him again. "Audra, LOOK!"  
  
"Yes, I know. Very sexy. But Billy Boyd is hotter." 


	4. At the Sign of the Durry Inn

Just to tell you, this story has no particular plot. It's kind of addressing the problems of modern society, plus it's fun just to try and imagine Legolas in the city.  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Soon, they were in the heart of St. Louis, which was bustling with pedestrians and bristling with shops. Milo's car was at a stoplight, and he leaned over the steering wheel to look out the windshield. Good. No dive- bombing birds. He shuddered at the mere thought of those demons of the sky. Sitting back, he said, "Let's find you a hotel." "A what?" "Inn." "Oh. I do not sleep in inns." "Then what do you sleep in?" "Trees." "Well, tough. You're sleeping in a hotel tonight." Hanging a right, they drove a little ways until they came to a Durry Inn. Beneath the actual hotel was a 3-teir, brightly-lit car park. Milo pulled in, driving to the uppermost level. An old lady was pulling out in front of him, and he slumped agitatedly in his seat. 'This is going to take an age,' he thought. The old lady pulled back in, then pulled back out, trying to realign her vehicle. Milo jumped up in his seat, pounding the horn madly. "Come on, you old bity! There are other people who have a life!" The old lady stiffened and grabbed at her heart as the horn sounded sharply. Milo saw her and groaned. "Jesus Christ, what next?" He sat there for a minute. "Well, I guess we'll just have to park on the street." After Milo had parked and they were taking the steps up the main lobby, Legolas with his spiffy backpack over his shoulder and Old Navy bag in hand, the professor was giving him a few instructions. "Now, don't say a word, alright?" Legolas said nothing. "Why aren't you saying 'alright'." Legolas remained silent. Milo rolled his eyes. "I meant when we get up there." "Oh." "Anyway, I'm going to pretend you're my German business partner and you don't speak any English, so I'm getting you a room. Got it?" "I believe so, but I have two questions." "What?" "What is German and what is English?" "I'll explain once you get a room." Milo and Legolas arrived in the lobby and approached the desk. Milo rang the little bell on the counter, and the receptionist turned around. "How may I help you?" "I'd like a room." The receptionist looked at them both strangely. "For both of you?" "Oh, no. Just for him. This is my German business partner, Hans-uh- Gumerscheimersteinfritz. He doesn't speak any English." "Oh. I see." Milo bounced up and down on the balls of his feet. "So, have you got any rooms free?" The receptionist typed something into the computer. "Yes, we do. Is a one- person twin alright?" "Yes, yes, very good. Don't worry about it, Hans, I'll pay for it." "How will you be paying?" "Credit, credit," Milo said. "I'm not entirely sure how long he'll be staying. These business deals can be very tricky." "Alright, sir." She handed Milo a key. "That's on the top floor." Milo nodded politely to her and bade Legolas follow him towards the elevator. As they went up, they picked up a group of giggly, intoxicated college girls. One was eyeing Legolas as one who has been starved for countless days, and it was making him rather uncomfortable. He would edge away, and she would edge closer. Finally when the reached the top floor, he said nervously, "This, uh, this is my floor." "Oh-hiccup-my G-God!" the girl spluttered. "This is, like, our floor too." Legolas stepped off the elevator with Milo, taking the key from him and starting to walk quickly. The hoard of girls followed at the same pace. "Leg-er-Hans, what are you doing?" Legolas glanced down nervously at the key to read the number, quickening his fast walk into a jog. The girls followed suit. His eyes flitted nervously to each door and back to they key. 'Where's the door?' he thought anxiously. He looked back. They were catching up. "Hans!" Legolas's lope quickened to a full out run, and he saw the end of the hall coming up fast. Finally, he saw his door, and he threw himself against it. It didn't open. He jiggled the handle. Locked. Sweat began to pour down his face. The girls were gaining on him. Milo suddenly realized his charge's peril, and he sprinted down the hall, knocking the women out of the way. "Quick!" he shouted. "Out of the way!" Milo thrust the key into the slot in the door and wrenched the door open, pulling Legolas inside just as the girls reached them. Legolas and Milo leaned against the door, panting heavily as fists banged on it. "That," Milo breathed, "was close." Legolas nodded. Walking over to the window, Milo opened the curtain, looking out over the city. Dusk was casting its red light over the buildings, staining them red. "Nice view," he said. Legolas walked over to take in the view as well. "It reminds me of Gondor." "This isn't going to turn into one of those gushy oh-I-miss-my-home-so-much- I-wish-I-could-go-back sort of things, is it?" "Uh, I guess not..." "Good." Milo had his hands clasped behind his back. He turned to Legolas thoughtfully. "You know, whenever you want to go back, just tell me, and I'll find a tree for you to fall out of." "Alright." Milo flipped on the television, making Legolas start. "New devilry!" he screamed. "It's just a television." "No, it's new devilry!" "Fine. Want to see how it works?" "What manner of wizard are you that can conjure moving images in a box?" "Everyone can do this. Just apply some technology and you've got a television." Milo went to turn on the lamps in the room. "What manner of magic is this? A lamp lit with no oil?" "It's electric." This instantly made Milo get the Electric Slide stuck in his head. How he hated that song. "You just flip this switch, (he demonstrated by flicking it off and back on) and you've got light." "Fascinating." "Not really." "Well, to some of us, it might be." "I suppose it might, if you were really simple. You'll probably need your clothes labeled. You can barely figure out what boxers are." Milo began to take things out of the Old Navy bag. Taking a tab of Post-It Notes© out of his pocket and a pen from the nightstand, he began to write "pants", "shirts", "shoes", "socks", and "boxers" on the yellow papers. Separating the clothes into piles, he labeled them with the Post-It Notes©. "Now," he said, "you wear boxers under your pants, got it? And black does not go with navy, orange shouldn't be worn with red, and white goes with everything. Are we clear?" "Yes." "Are you sure?" "Yes." "Positive?" "Yes." "Crystal clear?" "Yes." "Good. Tomorrow, I have to take you to church. I'll pick you up at eight." 


	5. It's Gettin' Hot in Here

Milo Stumpf came from a close-knit town across the river from St. Louis that was full of Stupmfs. You might as well have called it Stumpfville. There were Stumpfs running the bank, Stupmfs teaching Sunday school, Stumpfs going to school, Stumpfs dying, Stumpfs being born, Stumpfs to your left and Stumpfs to your right. You know, if you accidentally said "I live in a town full of Stumps," instead of saying, "I live in a town full of Stumpfs," people might think that you lived in a town full of tree stumps, further implying that you also lived in a town full of malicious, tree- slaughtering types. But that's beside the point. Milo attended church at the same one he grew up going to so he could see his family. Otherwise, he would hardly see them at all, which may have been a good thing, actually. I don't know.

Milo arrived at the hotel to pick Legolas up for church. He was unusually tired and haggard, and his mood was not helped when he had to shove several hung-over ladies out of the way just to knock on the door. Legolas opened the door, and Milo's mood improved slightly when he saw that Legolas had managed to dress himself normally; his boxers weren't on the outside of his pants, and he had, thankfully, succeeded in the workings of a zipper. Just for the benefit of Legolas's fan girls (hopefully JUST girls. LOL), I'll go into description the Sunday outfit. Legolas was wearing khakis (again) with a forest green turtleneck and red hoodie. One thing that puzzled Milo, though, was the origin of the chocolate brown cabbie hat perched on Legolas's golden hair. He was going to ask about it, but decided not to. 'Just as long as he looks half way decent,' Milo told himself.

"What exactly is this-church?" Legolas inquired as they drove away towards Illinois. "Well," Milo began, and thought a moment. "Church is-church is-a place where we go to worship."

"Worship what?"

"God. And after church, we get doughnuts."

"What are those?"

"Sort of like bread, only sweeter and better and fattier."

"That sounds ghastly."

"It is, but it's delicious."

"That's an interesting concept."

"Yes, it is, isn't it?" There was a few moments' pause. "Would you like to listen to the radio?"

"Sure."

Milo switched on the radio, which was playing, "It's gettin' hot in here, so take off all your clothes. I'm gettin' so hot, I'm gonna take my clothes off." Milo groaned. "I hate this song." He groaned again. "Stop dancing."

"That wasn't dancing. That was moving back and forth."

"Well, I call it dancing. Stop it."

Legolas sighed and started humming. He then started singing softly, and the louder, and louder still. "It's getting' hot in here, so take off all your clothes."

"LEGOLAS!" Milo shouted, making Legolas jump.

"What? You said that I was not allowed to dance."

"You're not allowed to sing either."

"Can I go..."

"We've already been over this. No singing, no humming, no dancing, and no going la la la."

"So be it." Legolas leaned back and pulled his hat over his eyes.  
  
Church was an interesting affair for Legolas. There were so many other funny-looking people there, and he felt like a fool in these clothes. 'Well, I am dressed like one of them,' he noted. 'Maybe they won't notice.' They did notice him, however. Partially because he had neglected to remove his hat, and secondly because his singing voice stood out like a fat cow in a line of chickens. It was beautiful and elegant, and it didn't sound like crap. He got every note and every rhythm. That is, he got every note and every rhythm after Milo told him he was allowed to sing. A few minutes into the service, Milo leaned over and said, "Remove your hat. If you wear it in church, it makes you look like a woman." Legolas abruptly removed it. "Much better. You can put it back on when we get doughnuts."

"You said they were ghastly though. I do not think I will be eating one."

"I meant they were ghastly for your health. Anyway, suit yourself." Milo straightened back up and started trying to sing again.


	6. Doughnuts and Coffee

"I thought you weren't getting a doughnut." Milo stood next to Legolas in the doughnut line, painfully aware of people staring at him.

"I decided I would see what was just so bad about them." It was Legolas's turn to get a doughnut. He picked up a half (for the doughnuts were sliced in half because the people who bought the doughnuts were too cheep just to let everybody have a whole one) and set it on a napkin. He noticed the coffee. "What's that?" he asked.

"Coffee," said the girl behind the counter, pouring another cup.

There were about twenty cups on the counter already, though Caiti had specifically told Audra there should only be about six at a time. But filling them had become an obsession because the lever thing was fun to press, so there were about four times as many cups as there should have been. 'You're not the bloody Coffee Lord,' Audra had thought to herself as Caiti had dictated the Coffee Rules. 'You take care of the doughnuts, I pour the coffee. Coffee for me, not for you. Remind myself to never eat sugar in the morning.'

Anyway, Legolas picked up a cup just as Caiti walked over. Audra replaced that cup with another one.

"Audra! What are you doing?"

"Serving coffee."

"I told you six cups at a time!"

"Well, it's six times four."

Caiti fumed. "You just missed the Elf poser."

Caiti spun around just as Legolas disappeared among the throngs of doughnut- hungry Christians. "God damn it!"

"Watch your language. We're in church."  
  
Milo was speaking with the pastor, who had laryngitis. Which is not relevant to a blasted thing, but it's not fun to listen to a laryngitis- stricken person try to preach the word of God, let me tell you. Legolas walked up, doughnut crumbs on his face and coffee in hand. Half the coffee was already gone, despite the fact that it was piping hot. Milo excused himself from speaking further with the pastor and turned to Legolas. Seeing the coffee cup, his brow creased slightly. Caffeine and Elves really didn't seem like a good idea.

"Doughnuts are good," Legolas announced.

"Good," Milo replied. "Did you drink all that coffee?"

"Um...yes. Should I not have?"

"I don't know yet. We should be going."  
  
Milo later realized that Elves and caffeine weren't a good idea. Legolas's eyes were frightfully bloodshot, and he was bouncing up and down in his seat like an insane monkey, babbling things like, "I'm the real King of Gondor," and, "Who's the prettiest now, Arwen? Tell me that!"

They pulled up to a stoplight in the naspy, factory-infested area just outside St. Louis. Milo clenched and unclenched his hands on the steering wheel, knocking his head against it and making the horn beep rhythmically as Legolas babbled, "Gonna shootcha down, Haldir! Yeah, shootcha down wit my bow! Whoop-pow! Ha ha ha! Take that, foo!"

"LEGOLAS!" Milo shouted. Legolas jumped in his seat, his eyes growing (if possible) even wider.

"Wuh- wuh-what? What what what? Huh?"

"Would you please, for the love of God, shut up?"

"Oh, right okay." Legolas sunk back down into his seat. "Right. Not going to talk. Going to sit here and be very quiet. Not a word. Not a single word. Going to zippy the lippy. No speaky. Silent as a graveyard. Quiet as a mouse. When a problem comes along, you must zip it. Zip it good. I've got whole bag of "sssh" with your name on it. Scotty don't. Scotty..."

Milo's temples throbbed. He didn't need this. "Legolas!" he snapped. Legolas jumped again. "Be quiet, and stop quoting Dr. Evil."

"Who is Dr..."

"Ah ah ah," Milo tutted. "Legolas don't." 'Ah,' he thought to himself, 'I'm so funny sometimes.'

Legolas cracked a smile. "Ah ha, ah ha, ah ha," he laughed. His face straightened. "That wasn't funny." His caffeine-induced craze suddenly left, and he passed out with his head lolling on the window and tongue hanging out of his mouth.


	7. Speed Bumps and Coffee

Milo was having a bit of a dilemma; what to do with a passed-out Elf.  
  
SPEED BUMP AHEAD was flashing a sign up ahead. Milo hit the speed bump as hard and fast as was possible without throwing safety out the window. Legolas slammed his head on the roof of the car.  
  
"By Elbereth!" he hollered, groping painfully at a knot that had developed on his head, which was under his hat, now that I remember correctly. He clasped a hand to his forehead. "My head," he groaned.  
  
"That's what you get for drinking coffee," Milo said carelessly. "Do you want lunch?"  
  
"Ouch."  
  
"I guess not."  
  
"Wait, yes, I do want lunch."  
  
"Oh, alright then." Milo made a turn in between two towering buildings, which marked official entrance into the labyrinth of concrete that was St. Louis.  
  
Across from a sunken square filled with contemporary and classical statues (I know it has a name, I just can't remember it. Damn.) was a Starbucks© (I like Starbrandybucks better, frankly.)(see "What's going on" by Pointy-Eared Bowtwanger). Milo parked the car, and before getting out said, "You should fit in just fine here. I won't force you to keep quiet." Milo, upon getting out, was happy to see that Legolas had figured out how to work the car door himself.  
  
Legolas was overwhelmed by the smell of coffee.  
  
Milo was as well, and he suddenly saw his mistake. "Oh no," he groaned slowly. "Not the coffee. Not the coffee!" 


	8. Lembas and Grease

"Legolas, m-maybe we should go," Milo said nervously, tugging on his arm. "I just remembered a much better place and..."  
  
Legolas stared around. "No. I like it here." He waved to the girl behind the counter, who looked strangely familiar. She waved back and smiled. (Don't you all just love cameos?)  
  
"Please," Milo begged, still tugging doggedly at Legolas's arm. He suddenly had an idea as he glanced at the coffee machine. Letting go of Legolas's arm, he hollered hysterically, "OH MY GOD! THE BEAN ROASTER'S ON FIRE!"  
  
Panic-stricken, nearly the whole of Starbucks© wheeled around to see absolutely nothing, but it gave Milo time enough to shove Legolas out the door. Legolas didn't have time to protest loudly until they got in the car.  
  
"Why did you do that?" he whined.  
  
"Because you and caffeine don't mix."  
  
"I thought I drank coffee."  
  
"Which has caffeine in it."  
  
Legolas folded his arms. "You're no fun."  
  
"I would show you how much I care," Milo said, bending over the steering wheel, "if it was a visible amount."  
  
"So where are we supposed to eat?"  
  
Milo sat back, turning a corner and thinking a moment. "Wendy's©," he said finally.  
  
A few minutes later, Legolas concluded that he did not like Wendy's©, despite the fact that the frosties were very good. Needless to say, Milo made certain Legolas did not get chocolate.  
  
Legolas did not like Wendy's© for various reasons. A. There was lots of grease. B. There was no lembas. C. It was a hideous color and D. There was no lembas.  
  
"Why can't we go somewhere with lembas?" Legolas asked.  
  
"Because normal people don't eat lembas, much less have entire restaurants dedicated to it."  
  
"Oh." Legolas bit tentatively into his burger. He chewed thoughtfully, then, screwing up his face, he put it down and swallowed, grimacing.  
  
"What's wrong with it?"  
  
"It spat on me."  
  
"That was grease."  
  
"Oh. Well, it still was not something I enjoyed. Food shouldn't squirt on you."  
  
"Eat your fries then."  
  
"Do I have to?"  
  
"If you don't want to starve, you do."  
  
Legolas huffed. "Fine." He picked up a fry. He ate it. This time, he did not grimace. "These are good. Like lembas, only fried."  
  
"Good, good. Just eat them and don't talk about lembas anymore, please."  
  
Legolas shrugged and shoved a handful of fries into his mouth.  
  
"No, no! You don't eat them like that!" Milo hissed, preventing Legolas from repeating the same action. "One or two at a time, please!"  
  
"Well, you could have told me."  
  
"I thought you were smart enough to figure it out. I can't be your keeper all the time." Milo shook his head, taking a bite out of his burger. He gazed out the window for a bit. "Would you like to go down to the River?"  
  
"River? Like with boats?"  
  
"What else, smarty?"  
  
"Well, things could be very different here, and they are, so I thought it best not to assume."  
  
"Do you want to go or not?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
The Arch's intimidating 630-or-so feet towered above the shimmering waters of the Mississippi and the huge flight of concrete steps on the shore. As Legolas attempted to stare up at it, he managed to give himself a headache. "I'm getting sick of the city," he said to Milo. "I think I'll go home." Legolas quickly hurried off for a tree while Milo made no real attempt to follow him.  
  
Perching precariously on a rather flimsy branch, Legolas sang "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun", knocking himself to the ground, making several people stare. He sat, spread-eagle and dazed, for a moment before saying oddly, "It didn't work."  
  
Suddenly, a crazed, drug-addict-looking man dashed up, pointing a gun straight at Legolas's head.  
  
"I know you busted me! Now the cops are after me and it's all your fault!" The crazed, drug-addict-looking man pulled the trigger on the gun, and it went off with a furious bang. 


	9. Frodo and Tacos

Legolas woke with a jolt, sweat pouring off his forehead. He shuddered. "That's the last time I listen to Frodo's stories after eating tacos." 


End file.
